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CrAzY WiSdOm
MoNtHlY
by
The
Fool and The Jester
What’s up Holmes? Welcome to a special late edition of Crazy Wisdom Monthly, totally devoid of any and all references to current events because we aren’t sure yet just how late it is.
It’s late on account of we were eating dinner at “Life
the restaurant” and our waiter decided to order desert for us, well he
chose shit pie and we had to eat about 4509876 of them. Seems a lot of
staff folk were being served the same meal, now as we digest the latest
servings of ass screwings, having missed a great many important things
(aside from deadlines) we plod ahead with the fun making, expect God to
take a lot of shit this issue on account of current folklore holding him
responsible for all things that happen to us, since no one else takes
the blame (or the cake or the shit pie).
Below: A picture of Mao Tse Tung picking cotton from inside a cotton ball
Old Friends
By the jester
I spend a lot of time at a shitty diner; a night job will do that
to you.
In the course of one of the 1000’s of meals I ate there I met an old guy named Charlie, by old I mean almost 80. Charlie could do more in a day then a bunch of beer-addled teenagers in a week.
We shared a common interest in old jazz, he played the piano, and I play the guitar.
Over the course of the two years or so I had the great pleasure of his friend ship we spent alot of time talking about music, he stood not more then 7-8 feet away from every single one of my idols so I was always asking him about this guy and that guy.
At 80 years old he still played gigs and I’d go see him, he’d come see me. I’ll tell you now, he was no slouch on the piano. He’d tell me old vaudeville gags andcome see us put them in to our shows at bookstore coffee houses.
Thing about people over 80 is they have an annoying tendency to pass away without warning. He kicked cancer’s ass twice without telling anyone. Then it got him and he was gone.
I was away in Nashville sewing up a production deal with my singer and missed his memorial service, I know he would have understood why I wasn’t there, being a fellow musician, but it didn’t make it any easier to miss it. To paraphrase a guy we both admired, God bless Charlie there will never be another like him.
The Fool’s journal
As you all may or may not know I, the Fool, have been on a space time field trip doing research for the Crazy Wisdom Monthly Underground Complex of Doom. During some time in Florida (America’s Wang) I intercepted some of those Children’s letters to God sent from some 2nd grade teacher to a weekly rag meant to be read by married women with families, on a non – related note I discovered the only difference between magazines for single women and those for married woman is this:
Those for married women have replaced articles such as “Blowjobs for jewelry”, and “I gave the sex to my fiancé’s brother at the rehearsal dinner” with ones like this “Chicken is easy to cook” and “Cookies that look like people in 4 min.!”
But
we digress, here now are some of the aforementioned memos:
Dear God,
Teacher says you don’t like momosetuals I just wanted to let you know I don’t either and if you give me a sign I’ll devote my life to sending them to hell.
Love,
Billy age 7
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Dear God
Mommy and Daddy say you send babies into stomachs when married people love each other. I am almost 8 and mommy hasn’t had any brothers or sisters yet, does this mean they don’t love each other or are they using a condom? I heard about then on the swings but don’t know what they are.
Please let mom give me a pony.
Thanks in advance
Alice
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Dear God
We learnt in Sunday school you ok everything before it happens. I wanted to know how the hell the fact that I was conceived in a late model ford while supertramp was playing on the radio to a father I’ll never know and a mother who spends a lot of time walking around the block got the green light from your people. I have considered the possibility I was lied to and you let people do whatever they want and hope to you it’s the truth, If it isn’t please accept my resignation as a member of the human race and turn me into an elephant.
Love
Mao Jr
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Dear God
I was good this year and would like a new play station, and a bike,
Jimmy
Each time we are late with a deadline and are
short on material we present to you distilled nuggets of carry around
bitty size wisdom to make the task of right living easier, this month is
no exception!
He was a wise man who invented God
~Plato
When the gods wish to punish us they answer our prayers.
~Oscar “Come over here young boy” Wilde
Dear God,
If you forgive us we will forgive you. ~Old Jewish saying
Why attack God? He may be as miserable as we are.
~Anon
It is a sin to believe evil of others but it is seldom a mistake.
~Alexandre Dumas
Famous (cartoon) People Interviewed!
We
ask the questions others are afraid to..
This
week, we sit down with one of America's earliest entertainers, Mighty
Mouse.
CWM:
Hi..Mr. Mouse.. or should we call you Mighty?
MM: All my friends call me Joe..
CWM:
Ok, Joe it is then.. so Joe, what have you been up to lately?
Any new developments?
MM: Well, as you know, I've since retired from
the superhero scene.. I
hooked up with my old
high
school sweetheart, Minnie. Got married, had two kids, you know..
CWM:
What a minute.. Minnie, as in Minnie Mouse?
Isn't there some sort of legal issue at play there?
MM:
Admittedly, we had to go to court for a few years with "The
Mouse", but we eventually resolved it out of court, privately. (smiling, taking a sip
from his gin and tonic)
CWM:
I'll bet that bought a lot of blow.
MM: Excuse
me? (half-choking on his gin and
tonic)
CWM:
Blow. Nose Candy.
The Cane. Y'know..
cocaine?
MM: I, uh, I wouldn't know what you're talking
about (shifting uncomfortably)
CWM:
Aww come now.. word has it no one could out snort you when at the
table..
MM:
I left that part of my past behind long ago and I'd appreciate it
if we could just skip that subject.
CWM:
C'mon, just one question and we'll talk about your book.. ok?
MM: Uh.. I-I suppose I could answer just
one... (eyes darting about the room nervously)
CWM:
There have been.. how shall we say... rumors floating about the
industry about this one time you got so "coked up" at the
studios that you propositioned Jerry Mouse (of
Tom and Jerry fame) mistaking him for a hooker.. Any
truth to those allegations?
MM: Absolutely
not. (face turning considerably pale)
CWM:
Also, didn't you once get invited to a speaking engagement for an
Ohio 4th grade classroom where you as part of Show and Tell you quote,
"Showed them why you're called Mighty"?
MM:
T-that's not true e-either.
Umm, has anyone seen my agent around?
This interview is so over..
CWM:
Not so fast, my speedy friend.
Speaking of Speedy, another industry rumor is that he was your
cocaine connection. Anyone
can clearly see from file footage Speedy was himself so coked up that he
couldn't speak English properly.
MM:
(agitated) It was a different time back then, ok?
You wouldn't believe the pressure to succeed.. I mean, the Snorks
were on top, man.. how could we compete with guys with straws in their
heads? The execs wouldn't
tolerate failure and it drove some of us down dark paths.
Strawberry
Shortcake? Became a high priced Hollywood call girl..
Hell, half the Smurfs had to seek
counseling for sexual identity issues.
CWM:
And you?
MM:
Oh, fuck you. You
try having bombs blowing up around you, everyone towering overhead
nearly stepping on you. You'd
want an edge too. It made
me feel invincible. Nothing
could stop me. So what if I
couldn't stop singing as a result?
It was funny, right?
CWM:
But it didn't stop there, did it?
MM: (quietly)
No.
CWM:
I'm sorry... what was that?
MM: (loudly)
NO! No already, damn you!
CWM:
So you took to the bottle then?
MM: Worse.
The rock.
CWM:
So...tell us.. What was it that brought you back?
MM: Truthfully?
(pause) Cat and Dog.
CWM:
(confused) Cat and Dog?
MM: Nickelodeon?
Kid's TV show?
CWM:
Right, I still don't see the connection.
MM:
Well, I was there in the alleyways of New York.
Spent the night in a soggy cardboard box outside of some movie
theatre. Turns out to be
the same one that premiered that Rugrats movie you know which one I'm
talking about right?
CWM:
Not a clue.
MM:
Anyways.. this limo
pulls up, and from within pops this... thing.
I mean, it had a cat on one end, and a dog on the other.
It offered me a fiver and its jacket.
And I thought, here's someone who's life is worse than mine and
they managed to make it. I
mean, at least I have a complete
digestive system, y'know? Just
thinking about the number of colostomy bags it must go through cause of
that dog part marking its territory alone..
CWM:
Thanks for the visual image.
MM:
So I head for the nearest community shelter..
get cleaned up, and what's on the TV there? Yep, Cat and Dog. I
watch for a bit and found myself crying.
Next thing I know, I
checked into one of those 12 step addiction places, heh, half the cast
of Scooby Doo was there with me. They
were all strung out y'know?
CWM:
And how long has it been?
MM: 3 years, 7 months, 21 days and counting..
CWM:
Ever see Robert Downey Jr. by chance?
MM:
Here and there. The
poor guy. I'm
actually swinging by to play a round of golf with him later today.
If you want I can...
CWM:
That's ok. Really.
MM:
Ok... umm, look, I
should probably be wrapping this up, I have a speaking arrangement to
make in an hour.
CWM:
Just one more thing..could you do it one last time.. y'know, for
old time's sake?
MM: I-I don't know if I can, it's been so long..
CWM:
Aww c'mon.. just try it, for the kids?
MM: Ok. (clearing
throat) Hereeeeee
I come to save the daaaaaaaaaay!
CWM:
Thank you.
MM:
No, thank you. (flies
off into the sunset)
CWM:
What a maroon...
[And so, the
interview ended.]
We here at
CWM don’t endorse the use of cocaine, or any other mind altering
substance. We do however,
get the occasional kick out of dwarf porn and making kids recovering
from appendix surgery laugh.
VISIT THIS HILARIOUS SITE:Comedy World, Inc.
Copyright©2001 The Jester and The Fool