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Original Material
Wastelands
-by Steve Wozny
It is 5:45pm
on a Friday evening. Beer bottles roll slowly across a hardwood floor.
Joe:
Harrison Ford.
Stan: The
best actor of all time!
Joe: But
what if, and I stress if…you had to replace him with someone else?
Stan: You
mean another actor?
Joe: No,
you, of course with another actor.
Stan:
Can’t do it.
Joe: Ok,
just for the Star Wars trilogy.
Stan: Ok,
gimmie some time to think about it.
Joe Dennis
Quaid could be Han Solo.
Stan: You
know something? You’re a fucking moron!
Joe: Where
the hell did that come from?
Stan:
Because every fucking question you ask me, you answer it yourself.
Joe: I
can’t help it that you’re a slow mother…
Stan: Demi
Moore for Princess Leia.
Joe: She’s
got nice tits.
Stan: Nice?
They’re friggin great!
Joe: Ever
suck on em?
Stan: That
is soo stupid. You know I didn’t!
Joe: Just
making a point. What are you doing
tomorrow night?
Stan shrugs
his shoulders. Bob enters the room and Joe and Stan remain silent, almost
falling asleep. Bob walks past Joe
and Stan and makes his way into the kitchen. He opens the refrigerator door,
looks around and slams it shut. Bob leaves the kitchen and continues back into
the living room where Joe and Stan are sprawled across futons.
Bob: Did you
fuckers drink all the beer?
Joe and
Stan: Yeah, did you?
Bob: If you opened your eyes, maybe you might notice I was asking the two of
you.
Joe: Oh,
then I guess we did…
Stan: But
it’s not our fault.
Bob: I know,
someone came into our place and drank all the beer! Do you ever hear a word I
say?
Stan: Did
you say something?
Joe: No.
Bob shakes
his head, exits and re-enters the room. Did you fuckers drink all the beer?
Stan: Is
there more?
Bob: What
about that question didn’t you understand?
Stan: The
part about how much beer is left.
Joe: And how
much beer you were bringing back. (high fives Stan).
Bob: F the
both of you! (He leaves the apartment, slamming the door behind him.)
Joe: Why do
we always fuck around with Bob so much?
Stan:
(laughing) I guess because it pisses him off.
Joe: I gotta
shit.
Stan: Are
you working this summer?
Joe: I
don’t know. I might give sperm.
Stan:
What!?!
Joe: Yeah,
it pays like 75 bucks a load.
Stan: So you
get paid and spent all in one day!
Joe:
(laughing) Yeah, you get paid to shoot your load.
Stan: And it
pays seventy five bucks?
Joe:
That’s what I said. You going?
Stan: Damn
right! What are you doing tomorrow?
Joe: I’m
gonna watch Chips.
Stan: Chips
sucks. Knight Rider is much better.
Joe: Shut
up. I’m tired of talking.
Stan: Are
you going to fall asleep?
Joe: I guess
so, if it happens.
Stan: Is
someone knocking at the door?
Joe: I
don’t know.
Stan: I
think someone is knocking at the door.
Joe: Is that
what you heard?
Stan: I
think.
The door
opens and Paul enters the room.
Paul:
Didn’t you guys get off your asses yet?
Stan: Why
should we? We have cable.
Paul: When
are you guys going to get a job and a life?
Stan: When
beer stops being made and cable goes off.
Paul: I
can’t believe the two of you!
Stan: Say,
Paul, what are you doing tonight?
Paul: I was
thinking about going to the Bull’s Eye.
Joe: (to
Stan) Are Anne and Sandy coming over later on?
Stan:
Probably not.
Joe: Why?
Stan:
Because they want to go out.
Joe: Too
expensive, man.
Stan: I
know, tell me about it. What’s for dinner?
Paul: I’m
going to the Four Seasons.
Joe: Who
with?
Paul: Some
girl from class. Kim.
Stan:
(laughing slightly then leaning over to Joe) Dates cost that much these days?
Paul: You
need to get out more.
Joe: Why? We
can go anywhere we want.
Stan:
Exactly.
Paul: You
both have very warped thinking. See ya!
Paul leaves
the apartment.
Joe: That
guy’s just jealous!
Stan: He
wants our life, but knows he can’t have it.
Joe: Never
will, either.
Stan: Get
any new CDs?
Joe: Yeah,
some hi-fi stuff that sounds cool. No words.
Stan: Yeah.
Joe: You
know, like synthesizers and computers. That kind of shit.
Stan: How
can you listen to music without words?
Joe: I’m
telling you, it’s good.
Stan: It has
to be boring.
Joe: Why’s
that?
Stan: Cause
there ain’t no words.
Joe: Ever
hear of Beethoven and Mozart? They didn’t sing dipshit!
Stan: True.
Joe: (hands
Stan a CD) Put it on track 2.
Stan puts
the CD into the boom box and presses play…After about ten minutes of
listening….
Stan: This
is pretty good. It’s like some kind of slowed down techno music. It’s almost
psychedelic. Did you talk to Sandy today?
Joe: For
about ten minutes on the net. She was pissed off.
Stan: Why?
Joe: Because
I didn’t have lunch with her.
Stan:
Fucking women! All they want is everything!
Joe: I’m
calling in for some Chinese food, want some?
Stan: Yeah,
man!
Joe reaches
for the phone and proceeds to call and order the Chinese food.
Stan:
Tough-man competition on tonight at eight.
Joe: You
want egg foo or pork friend rice?
Stan: Yeah,
that’s good.
Joe: Make
that two egg foo youngs and two pork fried rice entrees.
Stan:
Tough-man or Die Hard tonight?
Joe: On pay
per view?
Stan: Yep.
Joe: How
much?
Stan: What
do you care, it’s fucking free?
Joe I know,
I just like to see how much I’m saving.
Stan: That
black box is a gold mine.
Joe: Yeah,
free cable. What a blessing.
Stan:
Hallelujah!!!
Joe:
Tough-man?
Stan: Sounds
good.
Copyright©2000 Steve Wozny