Wastelands

-by Steve Wozny

 

It is 5:45pm on a Friday evening. Beer bottles roll slowly across a hardwood floor.

Joe: Harrison Ford.

Stan: The best actor of all time!

Joe: But what if, and I stress ifÖyou had to replace him with someone else?

Stan: You mean another actor?

Joe: No, you, of course with another actor.

Stan: Canít do it.

Joe: Ok, just for the Star Wars trilogy.

Stan: Ok, gimmie some time to think about it.

Joe Dennis Quaid could be Han Solo.

Stan: You know something? Youíre a fucking moron!

Joe: Where the hell did that come from?

Stan: Because every fucking question you ask me, you answer it yourself.

Joe: I canít help it that youíre a slow motherÖ

Stan: Demi Moore for Princess Leia.

Joe: Sheís got nice tits.

Stan: Nice? Theyíre friggin great!

Joe: Ever suck on em?

Stan: That is soo stupid. You know I didnít!

Joe: Just making a point.  What are you doing tomorrow night?

 

Stan shrugs his shoulders. Bob enters the room and Joe and Stan remain silent, almost falling asleep.  Bob walks past Joe and Stan and makes his way into the kitchen. He opens the refrigerator door, looks around and slams it shut. Bob leaves the kitchen and continues back into the living room where Joe and Stan are sprawled across futons.

 

Bob: Did you fuckers drink all the beer?

Joe and Stan: Yeah, did you?
Bob: If you opened your eyes, maybe you might notice I was asking the two of you.

Joe: Oh, then I guess we didÖ

Stan: But itís not our fault.

Bob: I know, someone came into our place and drank all the beer! Do you ever hear a word I say?

Stan: Did you say something?

Joe: No.

Bob shakes his head, exits and re-enters the room. Did you fuckers drink all the beer?

Stan: Is there more?

Bob: What about that question didnít you understand?

Stan: The part about how much beer is left.

Joe: And how much beer you were bringing back. (high fives Stan).

Bob: F the both of you! (He leaves the apartment, slamming the door behind him.)

Joe: Why do we always fuck around with Bob so much?

Stan: (laughing) I guess because it pisses him off.

Joe: I gotta shit.

Stan: Are you working this summer?

Joe: I donít know. I might give sperm.

Stan: What!?!

Joe: Yeah, it pays like 75 bucks a load.

 

Stan: So you get paid and spent all in one day!

Joe: (laughing) Yeah, you get paid to shoot your load.

Stan: And it pays seventy five bucks?

Joe: Thatís what I said. You going?

Stan: Damn right! What are you doing tomorrow?

Joe: Iím gonna watch Chips.

Stan: Chips sucks. Knight Rider is much better.

Joe: Shut up. Iím tired of talking.

Stan: Are you going to fall asleep?

Joe: I guess so, if it happens.

Stan: Is someone knocking at the door?

Joe: I donít know.

Stan: I think someone is knocking at the door.

Joe: Is that what you heard?

Stan: I think.

 

The door opens and Paul enters the room.

 

Paul: Didnít you guys get off your asses yet?

Stan: Why should we? We have cable.

Paul: When are you guys going to get a job and a life?

Stan: When beer stops being made and cable goes off.

Paul: I canít believe the two of you!

Stan: Say, Paul, what are you doing tonight?

Paul: I was thinking about going to the Bullís Eye.

Joe: (to Stan) Are Anne and Sandy coming over later on?

Stan: Probably not.

Joe: Why?

Stan: Because they want to go out.

Joe: Too expensive, man.

Stan: I know, tell me about it. Whatís for dinner?

Paul: Iím going to the Four Seasons.

Joe: Who with?

Paul: Some girl from class. Kim.

Stan: (laughing slightly then leaning over to Joe) Dates cost that much these days?

Paul: You need to get out more.

Joe: Why? We can go anywhere we want.

Stan: Exactly.

Paul: You both have very warped thinking. See ya!

 

Paul leaves the apartment.

 

Joe: That guyís just jealous!

Stan: He wants our life, but knows he canít have it.

Joe: Never will, either.

Stan: Get any new CDs?

Joe: Yeah, some hi-fi stuff that sounds cool. No words.

Stan: Yeah.

Joe: You know, like synthesizers and computers. That kind of shit.

Stan: How can you listen to music without words?

 

Joe: Iím telling you, itís good.

Stan: It has to be boring.

Joe: Whyís that?

Stan: Cause there ainít no words.

Joe: Ever hear of Beethoven and Mozart? They didnít sing dipshit!

Stan: True.

Joe: (hands Stan a CD) Put it on track 2.

 

Stan puts the CD into the boom box and presses playÖAfter about ten minutes of listeningÖ.

 

Stan: This is pretty good. Itís like some kind of slowed down techno music. Itís almost psychedelic. Did you talk to Sandy today?

Joe: For about ten minutes on the net. She was pissed off.

Stan: Why?

Joe: Because I didnít have lunch with her.

Stan: Fucking women! All they want is everything!

Joe: Iím calling in for some Chinese food, want some?

Stan: Yeah, man!

 

Joe reaches for the phone and proceeds to call and order the Chinese food.

 

Stan: Tough-man competition on tonight at eight.

Joe: You want egg foo or pork friend rice?

Stan: Yeah, thatís good.

Joe: Make that two egg foo youngs and two pork fried rice entrees.

Stan: Tough-man or Die Hard tonight?

Joe: On pay per view?

Stan: Yep.

Joe: How much?

Stan: What do you care, itís fucking free?

Joe I know, I just like to see how much Iím saving.

Stan: That black box is a gold mine.

Joe: Yeah, free cable. What a blessing.

Stan: Hallelujah!!!

Joe: Tough-man?

Stan: Sounds good.

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