November 12, 1994

                What can I say about the beauty of autumn . . . The brilliance of the colors, the softness of the wind against your face as you step out from your door, and that smell – as if the world is one big fireplace. 

I met her over the summer.  At the local community pool, she was stunning in that two piece.  Long flowing blonde hair; breathtakingly beautiful emerald green eyes; and a body that just was amazing. 

I was extremely timid to approach her at first.  But what can you do when you have five of your friends calling you a pussy if you didn’t?  After all, I was the only one out of all of them that was on the JV Football Team – there was no way I would turn out to be the wimp.  So I watched as she dived off the high-board, not Olympic material, mind you, but just perfect for me.  When she resurfaced I waved her over to me in a suave way. 

My friends were laughing on the other side of the pool and I hated them for it.  But when she pushed herself up out of the pool at my feet – they shut the hell up right away.  I remember Robbie smacking Trent on the chest in disbelief, a red mark quickly developing across Trent’s left breast, but he hardly noticed.  He, just like the rest of them, was in complete disbelief.

She stood straight up and kind of arched her back, giving me the impression that she actually had some developed breasts.  But then whether they were the size of a grapefruit – or that of strawberries, didn’t even matter to me. 

You see, I’m not what they call the highest on the popularity chain – oh I’m up there because of the football, but because who I call my friends, friends; and not the other popular jocks and preps, friends; I haven’t really achieved any higher rank in that great cause.  It doesn’t matter to me though, as long as I have my friends by my side – then I’m all good.

Any-ways, she came straight to me with a curious look on her face.  And being the gentleman that I am, I offered a towel for her wet body.  Unbelievably, she accepted, and the conversation began that would change my life for the oh-so-much better. 

That was back in late June, we’ve been together now for close to five months.  Five months! Right now we’re sophomores in High School and like I said earlier it is the fall.  But of course right now I’m just bullshitting before I get to the real point.  And believe, you, me – man is it a great point to why I’m writing on this night of November 12th.

A week ago, Lian, my pool Goddess, suggested an idea.  Something I had gone to bed every night thinking about, but never dared voice my opinion about.  We were pretty serious; after all we have been together for over four months now.  And the way she came about it was so awesome, that it blew my mind.  While waiting for a movie to start one Saturday night, she was treating because I ran in the winning touchdown the previous night, she whispered something into my ear that blew my mind and got me breathing heavy.

“If you win next week, I want to have sex with you instead of just going to see a movie.”

Well as you can easily guess, I told the whole team these words of encouragement that was given to me by my Lian.  And like gentlemen of High School as they all were, they promised to beat Gold Coast into shit.  You can probably only imagine the smile I wore for the next week.

The night of the big game came and ended in a flash.  Never had I seen such a blowout in my life, we destroyed them 76 – 10.  I raced to the locker room, not even thinking to stop and shake the hands of the opposing losers or listen to the coach’s victory speech.  I switched into regular clothes and ran outside to meet Lian.  I was already ready to get into bed with her. 

  The only problem being of course that I forgot that she said she would fuck me the next night, not that same night.  So I looked all over the place and when I had given up the search, I called my mom and got a ride home.  Waiting for me on the window of my room was a note from Lian.


Congratulations on the win.

Tomorrow you get your prize…



                     So far that has probably been the most sleepless night of my life.  All I could think about was Lian.  Lian slowly unbuttoning her shirt, letting it slip to the floor.  Lian unhooking her bra.  Lian’s hair cascading down just touching her breasts.  Lian in just her underwear, touching me all over with her finger tips lips, and tongue. 

                Finally knowing what it feels like to make love to a woman.  And that woman being Lian.

                The night finally came, and with it my pool Goddess.  I remember it all.  I remember how nervous and yet excited I was.  A ball of emotions all melded into one.  She was perfect.  There’s no other way to describe it, except for perfection.

                I recall when I went to kiss her she stopped me with her finger on my lips.  We stood no more than a few inches from each other’s lips.  The sexual tension building as we gazed into each other’s eyes and at our mouths.  I wanted her so bad then, but she wouldn’t let me.  Instead she began to unclothe me, all the while kissing me with her warm mouth.  Touching me every now and then with the tip of her tongue.

                I ached to be with her.  I throbbed to be inside of her.  And yet still, she was perfect.  She wouldn’t let me touch her while she undressed herself – like it was a game.  How long can I keep my hands and lips off of her before finally caving in and submitting to every animalistic lust locked inside of me. 

What surprised her is that I lasted longer than she had expected.  Even while we stood completely naked, her breasts barely touching my chest, her hands rubbing up and down me, feeling each others’ exhales of breath, I somehow stayed sane enough to not touch her. 

At least, until with the tip of her tongue touched my lips.  I don’t know if that was what set me off, or the soft squeeze she gave me just before – but that was when I couldn’t hold out any longer.  I grabbed the back of her left leg with my right hand and pulled it up against my hip, immediately feeling her hair between her legs against me, and threw her on the bed.  I kissed every inch of her body, memorizing the curves and out of place freckles.  I loved her at that moment; I thanked God for her life being in mine. And when we finally began the scientific act of sex, we became one.  Like the last two pieces of a jigsaw puzzle, we fit perfectly together, and everything was complete.


November 26, 1994

I don’t even really want to get into it.  Lian is completely denying me sex.  I thought our first time together was beautiful and amazing.  And yet she won’t even discuss how she thought it was.  I can’t believe this woman that I love is turning out like this.  It makes me wonder if it is because of having sex together that she is acting like this.  Maybe its trouble at home.  But then I wouldn’t know because she doesn’t talk to me anymore either. 

I heard from a friend that she has been seen in public with a guy from Gold Coast.  But I’m not gonna give into rumors.  Rumors can ruin a relationship – and most of the time rumors are untrue.


December 25, 1994

Today for Christmas I spent a total of three paychecks on Lian.  I got her a pair of diamond earrings.  And yet she wasn’t even home all day.  Her parents said they didn’t know where she was and that they would give her the message that I called.


January 3, 1995

I’ve given up, I saw her with another guy, making out just outside the mall.  I gave the earrings to my mother and was forced to spend New Years Eve with my friends instead of my love.  Three words now come to mind:  “Fuck the bitch”.  And you know what, fuck sex.  I’m not gonna have sex again until I’m married, if that is what sex can do to a relationship – then forget it.       


April 3, 1997

I’m now eighteen years old and it has come across me that I can start to do a few good things for the community before I leave for Notre Dame on that football scholarship I received.  A couple of those happened to be giving blood and becoming an organ donor in case something deadly does happen. 

First of course I changed my driver’s license to be an organ donor.  At the DMV I was told of a blood drive that would be coming there shortly.  So I signed up for it and went when that time came around.  Well, I ate my few nasty tasting cookies and teeny-tiny cup of orange juice. 

A few weeks later, I received a letter from the Blood Bank.

Apparently, I have Acquired Immune Deficiency Syndrome – better known as AIDS.  Though I have to thank them for being so kind as to give me a “personal” letter letting me know that life is still worth living.  That I shouldn’t give up because studies are being done everyday to prevent the death of victims of AIDS.   Oh and some kind of 12-step program or support thing I could go to.

How kind of them, don’t you think?





April 4, 1997

I’ve called Lian to tell her of what has happened to me, and that maybe she should go ahead and check herself out to be sure.  There was a lot of yelling, of course all from her.  I mainly cried.  And that only intensified the situation on her end.  Calling me every name in the book for bringing this upon her.  I couldn’t mention that she was my first (and only) I had ever been with and that more than likely she had given it to me.

When I asked her how many guys she had been with before me, she refused to answer.  So I really still don’t know if I was her first also.  I apologized as much as I could and did my best to console her, telling her that I may have gotten it after her and I and that there was a good chance she didn’t even have it.  But she just threw it in my face telling me that I was gay and probably got it from some “cookie cutting fagot”. 

Needless to say, she finally hung up on me.


April 5, 1997

Right now it’s about five o’clock in the morning.  I’ve spent all night after my so-called conversation with Lian thinking.  Mostly I’ve walked all over the place smoking cigarette after cigarette – I reek of the damn cancer sticks.  But hey, it’s not like they’re gonna kill me, right?

In case you’re wondering – of course I can’t get this out of my damn head.  I thought of just about everything I can do in this situation.  I haven’t told my parents yet.  They did ask what it was Red Cross sent me, and I said it was some sort of thank you note for donating.  My mother nodded her head – mentioning something about first time donors.  I didn’t really pay attention; I was on my way out the door on my eight-hour walk.

I thought of how my scholarship to Notre Dame didn’t really mean dick anymore.  And how my football career was basically over.  Look at Magic Johnson – he only has HIV, and now he coaches.  And there was that guy Tommy Morrison – the boxer who eventually died from AIDS.  You think that any other boxer, no matter how much they were paid, would take that chance to box against him?  Hell no; so there goes any possibility of making millions of dollars.

I’ll probably be the laughing stock at school.  I’d say if it got out – but once only one person hears of it, then of course it’d travel around like a brush fire.  And I’ve only had sex one time.  One time!  And look what happens.  Why couldn’t Lian have gotten pregnant?  Oh, how I would’ve much rather preferred to be part of that statistic than this one.  Though of course I could’ve gotten it some other way – how I have no clue.

You know, I also thought of committing suicide.  Why not?  My life has just shortened by a huge margin.  I could either take a gun or blow my brains out (making sure to leave a note not to touch my blood without some sort of astronaut’s space suit) or I could party for the remainder of my life – however long that may be.

I’m not too much of a Christian or of any faith – which makes kind of funny that I chose to go to Notre Dame in my opinion.  But I’m starting to see the good points to having a faith.  You know somewhere to turn when no human will be there for you.  I even stopped by a church at one point of the evening.  I believe the name was St. Christopher’s.  There was no one there, but I was allowed to go inside any-ways. 

I walked the length of the chapel, letting my outstretched hands bump into the pews as I walked to the crucifix ahead.  Maybe it was because I was so fixated on the crucifix, but there was not a sound as I moved towards the Son of God.  It seemed like forever before I reached that huge cross.  My hands were still outstretched to my sides, and my head was completely void of any thought.

There he was – Christ with his crown of thorns, hanging limply to the side and down; his hands outstretched and up like the way you do with your two fingers when giving the sign of peace; and his feet, like his hands, nailed into the cross.  I don’t quite know what compelled me to do so, but I suddenly tilted my head down towards my right shoulder, raised my arms so that my hands were higher than before, and put one foot in front of the other. I remember how chap my lips felt as I just stood there and breathed in big deep breaths. 

How did Christ feel when his own brethren turned upon him? 

Would I feel the same way – like they were washing their hands of my tainted blood and just trying to get rid of me?

I don’t know how long I stood there.  Though I know that the entirety that I was there, no one came in.  No one saw me, my own version Christ, with an invisible cross behind me that I was to be attached to for the rest of my life.

When I left I did light a candle though.  I lit it for Lian – in hopes that she didn’t have what I would have to deal with for the remainder of my life.  But that was also when I became jealous and angry for having this wretched disease.

I have heard some say that AIDS was given to mankind by God for all the lusting committed by man.  That he is punishing us for breaking some sort of commandment, that it is only the beginning of the chapter of Revelations.  I have even heard some go so far as to say it is because of all “those gays” that AIDS came about.  That if it weren’t for them, than God wouldn’t be punishing us for it. 

Personally, I believe none of them.  Every person I have met who has had the balls to say that is either one: a complete simpleton; or two: harboring gay feelings and needs themselves and are unwilling to admit it.

So any-ways, I left St. Christopher’s and trekked further through the town I live in.  And as I said before, it is also when I became jealous and angry.  Why should I have such a disease?  I’m a healthy teenager who is supposed to be just now taking his journey into manhood with so much to look forward to.  College; drinking; sex; partying.  Why should I of all people be the one to get this?  Why the fuck should anyone have to get this disease?

There is seriously something fucked up in dodge when the town’s football star is closer than the eldest citizen towards death. 

Because of this menace, I will never have children to take care of.  Never know the feeling of when my firstborn grasps onto my finger for the first time.  Looking into this stranger’s eyes that I helped create, and realize that every little thing I do will shape it’s life.  The reason being of course that I can never have sex again with the possibility that I may bring a child into this world already equipped with death at his side.  Never get to be able to visit my son or daughter’s home and have my grandchildren rush me for money and candy or whatever their Grandpa has for them this time.  Would I even live to see the new millenium?  Why the fuck should I have to have this?

I believe that was when I finally began to look up and not at the ground anymore.  A better and much healthier outlook was starting to form in my mind.  I could beat this thing easily.  I just had to figure out how I could go about doing that.

Then a smile formed upon my lips and I almost skipped all the way home.


April 6, 1997

This is later that evening on the same day that I took that long walk during the night and early morning.  But I recently called Lian back and had a nice conversation with my once pool Goddess.   I started off apologizing at once to her.  She began to yell a bit until I told her to shut up, that I had great news for her.

After what I had just told her the previous day, she was a tiny bit intrigued.  After all, after telling her that she was going to die much sooner than she ever had imagined, what could I possibly tell her that was good?

Simply put, I told her this…

“Lian, yesterday was a joke.  I know it was cruel and probably one of the meanest things ever happened to you.  But it was a joke – my friends put me up to it.  They thought that since I still haven’t really recovered from our break-up, that I should do something that would break your heart.”

The silence lasted for close to a full minute.  My heart was thundering in my chest and she was calmly thinking it over.  I could just see it now: eyes looking up; holding the phone in one hand, while the other twirls her now short blonde hair, and mouth hung slightly agape.  When the silence ended it went exactly the way I had thought it would.  She said she was gonna call me a bastard again but was to taken aback by the fact that I hadn’t fully recovered from our break-up. 

We talked for a little bit, and the subject of Prom came up.  She had just recently broken up with her boyfriend and was in need of a date.  And seeing as how I would instantly drop my current date to be able to once again be close to her again, we made plans for May 3rd.  



Now maybe you, the reader, is a bit confused here.  Let me explain a bit. 

That night after I left the church I was pretty angry.  Some might call it bitterness, maybe even sour grapes, some might go so far as to call it criminal – I prefer to simply say revenge. 

Like I said a little while ago: I’m not too much of a Christian or of any faith.  So when it comes down to my posing as Christ, I prefer to leave that as mocking the man that was nothing more than a huge political figure back in the day. 

You see why should I be the only one to have to have AIDS?  This disease has spread like a brush fire.  There really is no stopping it as I see it.  They’re never gonna find a cure for it – people are too stupid.  After all, they still haven’t found a cure for the damn common cold!  So, I’m gonna be part of that fuel that spreads this bitch.

That’s where the supposed “criminal” aspect comes in.  Now is it really considered murder if you purposely give someone this disease?  You know, I’d just have to plead stupid with this one.

“I’m sorry judge, I never knew I had AIDS.  Who would suspect a young healthy man to have this treacherous disease?”  This is where I begin to cry on cue  “And now I have to live with it.  I’m actually dying as we speak!  Oh my God, please save me” 

Now really, who’s gonna convict me of something so ludicrous as killing through a disease.  The only way they could really find out is through this here little journal.  And do you think I’m not gonna burn this damn thing?  If not, you really should go back to the fifth grade and start paying attention.  You see, as I figure it, the only person you should save, is yourself.  Look what happened to the supposed Son of God.

As for the candle I lit for Lian, if you happen to be wondering, I returned and blew the fucker out.

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